Note: This is an old crosspost from another site that I wrote but in the effort of keeping one blog, I repost it here...Warning, it is slightly graphic..
Recently I have been experiencing an obscene amount of emotion that honestly I'm not quite sure how to navigate. My life has been flipped upside down in that it switched from the All American dream white picket fence, kids, fiance, fancy job, materialistic bullshit to that of the loner angry emo kid. My fiance recently abandoned our relationship for whatever reasons she found useful to run. To be honest, I couldn't really tell you what happened or else maybe things in my world would make a ton more sense. I thought our time apart would help her to grow, to help her get things under control, to allow her the space she would need to gain the bearings and start supporting herself whereas I've always been her crutch. The difference is this alone time hasn't quite been spent alone and for someone like myself that believes in this crazy concept of monogamy, it's been a bit brutal and a pretty large blow to my boi ego. To go from engaged and planning pregnancy, to your former partner being in a relationship with someone new all in the course of a few weeks has led to a considerable amount of rage and sadness. In my world they tend to be one and the same. Oftentimes left unprocessed and undealt with they eventually turn into extreme numbness and the desire to pick fights with anyone that even ties their shoes the wrong way. A complete and total contrast to the kid that goes to anger management once a week and seems to be your normal white collar geeky IT doormat.
I've tried any way I can to get rid of my feelings, to get rid of the pain and the care and concern I have for someone that doesn't seem to even care about themself, but I've found no avail. I instead went into a great bout of depression and ceased going to work, eating, caring and thinking. I became abusive to myself mentally, emotionally and physically. I became needy and clingy which only made me despise myself even more. I struggled to accept my own vulnerability and weakness while feeling content in my gender and self identity. I have had amazing friends and family attempt to drag me out of it, show up randomly, bring me groceries and in general just love me, but still there is a large void in my life. I left the country went on a hiatus to visit yet more family and friends and someone that I consider a life line for me. While there it was like I was in heaven, I had no worries, I had nothing to deal with. I started to recover, to recoup and to begin to heal and even eat. Leaving Canada destroyed me, driving through the turnstiles at customs back into the US, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear; all of the pressure instantly falling onto me like an anvil. I had recently arranged with a friend to try to find some release through allowing her to have the free will to literally beat me senseless. I know to most this sounds obscene and to those of my friends that aren't into the scene, they were shocked and appalled that I would even consider something. Suggesting I seek therapy or even commit myself to a hospital. Also given my past many saw this as more destructive behavior as opposed to healthy release. To my close friends that have experienced the scene, they thought this could be a good thing, it could get out whatever I need or at least give me some of the individual attention that I have been craving.
I re-immersed myself in the play world. Started attending small events here and there. The end of the week would be set to be the date for the scene. I invited two other close friends to attend and figured that the house could be almost converted to a dungeon type situation if people felt compelled to do their own things or even just join in. My one friend I recently realized is a rather wicked sadist (ironically enough something I never picked up on considering I view him as one of the most giving, compassionate and kind people I have ever encountered) and I asked him to join in on the scene as he has been my right hand man through most of what I have been going through and facilitating thoughts on how to begin the healing. He and my other friend determined that they could do a co-topping scenario and set to work it out. We went through the normal what do you not want, where are your limits and honestly as this truly was almost a first scene for me, I just gave free range with the preface of nothing remotely sexual.
They shackled me to my bed while I stood there, the chains not allowing room to move, but rather just stand in a fairly limited capacity. They started off lightly in good humor while hitting me with twizzlers. Who would have thought that twizzlers could cause some serious damage and we watched as my left and right shoulders almost instantly welted and split open with blood. From here a plethora of different items came into play, to be honest I could tell you what was what, I could just tell you how certain hits landed differently than others. I separated my mind from my body and proceeded to get punched, flogged, hit with a riding crop and smacked with other various items. Along my back, shoulders and waist I took hits and handled the pain in the best way I know how, silently. They moved to hit me with weighted mechanisms as I held items above my head that would trigger the stop of play if dropped (ie they caught onto the fact that I apparently wouldn't tap out no matter what). They took turns delivering blow after blow on my ass until I eventually dropped the items. They cared and hydrated me and asked if I wanted to continue. I of course said yes as I have a pretty ridiculous tolerance if not love for pain. They moved onto caning my thighs both the back and front and hitting me also with any sort of objects they could find around the room such as cords from my heat rocks etc. As someone that is not a fan of being touched; Yes, I am that kid, the anti touch, I shall never appear vulnerable and no I don't switch well unless you prove you deserve that respect; I struggled with extreme feelings of angst, rage and a plethora of other emotions I couldn't even begin to describe that resulted in me swinging at my surroundings and at myself. My first reaction to rage and pain never seems to result in me wanting to harm others but rather an extreme feeling of rage towards myself. Memories of everything just started to flood back as they continued the scene, resulting in a complete feeling of disassociation from my body. Blow after blow struck down and as they went higher on my thighs and my anxiety got worse, I disassociated more, I forgot about half of the memories that came flooding back. Memories from my ex, memories from others in my past and I struggled to get past, almost viewing each hit as a controlled way of saying fuck off, you will never have me. You can't have this control, I will literally have you beaten out of me. What you have taken from me, can't and won't be yours any more and it will be mine again. Each scar, each bruise, everything on my body is of my own accord and you can't own me. I asked for this and my healers will cleanse me.
They continued on with eventually one moving to the top of me to pound on my chest and my arms. As one handled the top portion of my body, the other handled my legs and stomach working in a syncopated rhythm that led me to not only tense up, but to become absolutely defensive and angry. My fists turning into masses that I couldn't unfurl, my breathing becoming rapid and my state of being turning into a dark mass that normal results in me blacking out and waking up with some sort of extreme scarring, broken appendage or bleeding. All of it built to this climax, since I had no control I had to accept what I was given and learn to deal (yes there were safe words, yes I could have tapped out), but that didn't even seem to be a possibility as the scene progressed. And then it hit, tears streamed down my face as the pressure broke, the climax turning from one with rage to one of unending love as they both ceased, they took the weight that I had been holding from my hands as my arms shook and they all surrounded me with love. The two involved in the scene and our third friend that had been watching all surrounded me, holding me, talking with me, convincing me that it was time to let my rage and hate go. To let this hold of negativity and depression go, to let all these unwarranted demons exit and to reunite with myself. I have never been a great one at expressing emotion nor allowing others, including my partners, to truly know everything that is occurring within my head but yet I felt safe. I felt safe amongst the people that literally just beat the bloody crap out of me because they broke me to help me rebuild. They removed the negative through their energy and beat it out of me until I could find the catharsis I needed. The bruises are now 5 days old and still look quite new, you can see them in my photos, I see them everyday and am reminded at how much love I have and how much one needs to fight to be whole again. They say that there is beauty in the breakdown and honestly until you are broken I don't think you could ever understand, but I find the most beauty in the foundation that these selected few helped to lay in the efforts of helping me to rebuild.
