For the last month, I seemed to have my life on track. I've started healing, I've started reflecting, and most of all I have started doing things for me. The small things in life that we take for granted every day like the ability to eat, the ability to sleep and better yet the ability to climb out of bed have returned. I have surrounded myself in love and I bathe in the warmth of it daily.
That being said, you get what you give and I am no stranger to extending myself out to others, even when sometimes the love isn't so deserved. I have stood by my words and have nothing negative to say about my past relationship or my recent ex. I would be a fool to have anything else to say as she obviously was significant to me and played a large role in my development. Plus let's be real, I'd look like quite a twat to say she was awful and I dedicated two years of my life to her. We all have our positives and negatives about us, I am no angel nor do I exist anywhere near the realm of perfection. We didn't work out for reasons but that doesn't mean I didn't love her and I didn't care. Today I was confronted with the notion that there seems to be a group of people that think that I embody the ideals of an asshole. This has hit me a bit harsh in that I try to live my life dedicating myself emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, spiritually etc to try to better people's lives that I come in contact with and even some that I might have never met. Anyone that knows me could attest to the fact that I would be more than willing to give a stranger the shirt off my back, do a goofy dance to bring a smile to anyone's face or offer anyone help that may be struggling. I have my down days as well and those that extend this same simple gratitude are the beacons of hope for me during that period, even if it's something as simplistic as a joke, a sweet handmade card (thanks goes to Brie for this amazing dino card she made me yesterday), or a poem/song caring word.
I have a tendency as well to often be treated as a doormat due to this overarching philosophy of love as I have a hard time drawing boundaries of when I should/shouldn't exert myself. I can't watch people struggle if I have the capacity to help, but oftentimes I lose myself in trying to help. These last couple weeks have been no different for me. I have been facing the death of not only family pets (yes multiple family members :( ), but also actual family members and I have been struggling. Top it off with a lot of emotional and mentally wordplay that has been conspiring with people in my life and you have the longeberger basketcase called TiLL. I believe in being an open book, I believe in honesty in all realms of my life to the point it most likely can cause issues. If there's something anyone every wants to know if they just ask, they most likely will get a long drawn out detailed dissertation of whatever it might be. I have chosen this week to ask my ex to get her own insurance plan or to start contributing towards the insurance that I have been paying for in the two months since we have parted ways. I know she needs insurance, I was adamant that she get it once I had a job that offered partner benefits and being that our pay scales weren't equal I had no issues paying for it. Now that we have parted ways and she has engaged with a new partner for the last two months, I only feel it right that her or her partner either take on the payment or that she finds an individual plan that will support her needs. For this I have been met with hostility and apparently a group of people that think that I am a raging asshole. I want her to be healthy, I want her to get the care she needs, but at the point that she is not with me and has moved onto someone else, I also don't feel it my responsibility to spend $300 a month on her care. We do not have a relationship in any capacity and the tie is not a healthy one for us as it leaves me feeling used and exploited.
I have given everything I could to that relationship and I believe that to the core of my soul, so why am I struggling with this notion? Because people that don't know me want to pass judgement for my actions, because people don't know the situation in it's entirety and care to voice opinions? Why should that bother me, why should I care? I wish I had these answers, but the long and short of it is that I do. I care a lot that people would think I would be out to harm anyone else especially someone I had such a love for. I cared immensely for J, I offered her a home for her and her son when she had no where to go, I offered to help her get back on her feet after she had some issues in the past and I will never regret anything I have ever done because the intentions were that to help others better their lives. I was blessed with the fact that I received a good education, a good job and a good support network. At the time we were together I had no issues paying for certain things or assisting as I knew once she got on her feet or got the ability to contribute she would. This is now a different case and I am facing a mortgage that I have to cover along with student loans and other various bills. She has chosen a new life and I shouldn't feel responsible for her. I have carried this insurance for two months to help her. I have encouraged her to get help and to try to better herself. I keep ending up in turmoil trying to heal and having a lot of the choices she's made prominent in my life, so I have tried to take a step back to which I have found out that others view me as a jerk. So here is my peace for myself, I provided her a loving home with utilities for two years, I have loved her and her son for two years and will still continue to love Cameron as if he were my own, I have carried her insurance for the last year and have provided assistance as needed along the way in terms of additional finances, love, support etc. I don't have the capacity to do that currently and will offer options for her to continue what she needs, but that being said her choices and her life no longer involve me, so I should not feel bad in not paying for them anymore. I wish her the best, I wish all of the greatest things in the world to come to Cameron and I hope that they both find all of the happiness in the world.
That being said, you get what you give and I am no stranger to extending myself out to others, even when sometimes the love isn't so deserved. I have stood by my words and have nothing negative to say about my past relationship or my recent ex. I would be a fool to have anything else to say as she obviously was significant to me and played a large role in my development. Plus let's be real, I'd look like quite a twat to say she was awful and I dedicated two years of my life to her. We all have our positives and negatives about us, I am no angel nor do I exist anywhere near the realm of perfection. We didn't work out for reasons but that doesn't mean I didn't love her and I didn't care. Today I was confronted with the notion that there seems to be a group of people that think that I embody the ideals of an asshole. This has hit me a bit harsh in that I try to live my life dedicating myself emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, spiritually etc to try to better people's lives that I come in contact with and even some that I might have never met. Anyone that knows me could attest to the fact that I would be more than willing to give a stranger the shirt off my back, do a goofy dance to bring a smile to anyone's face or offer anyone help that may be struggling. I have my down days as well and those that extend this same simple gratitude are the beacons of hope for me during that period, even if it's something as simplistic as a joke, a sweet handmade card (thanks goes to Brie for this amazing dino card she made me yesterday), or a poem/song caring word.
I have a tendency as well to often be treated as a doormat due to this overarching philosophy of love as I have a hard time drawing boundaries of when I should/shouldn't exert myself. I can't watch people struggle if I have the capacity to help, but oftentimes I lose myself in trying to help. These last couple weeks have been no different for me. I have been facing the death of not only family pets (yes multiple family members :( ), but also actual family members and I have been struggling. Top it off with a lot of emotional and mentally wordplay that has been conspiring with people in my life and you have the longeberger basketcase called TiLL. I believe in being an open book, I believe in honesty in all realms of my life to the point it most likely can cause issues. If there's something anyone every wants to know if they just ask, they most likely will get a long drawn out detailed dissertation of whatever it might be. I have chosen this week to ask my ex to get her own insurance plan or to start contributing towards the insurance that I have been paying for in the two months since we have parted ways. I know she needs insurance, I was adamant that she get it once I had a job that offered partner benefits and being that our pay scales weren't equal I had no issues paying for it. Now that we have parted ways and she has engaged with a new partner for the last two months, I only feel it right that her or her partner either take on the payment or that she finds an individual plan that will support her needs. For this I have been met with hostility and apparently a group of people that think that I am a raging asshole. I want her to be healthy, I want her to get the care she needs, but at the point that she is not with me and has moved onto someone else, I also don't feel it my responsibility to spend $300 a month on her care. We do not have a relationship in any capacity and the tie is not a healthy one for us as it leaves me feeling used and exploited.
I have given everything I could to that relationship and I believe that to the core of my soul, so why am I struggling with this notion? Because people that don't know me want to pass judgement for my actions, because people don't know the situation in it's entirety and care to voice opinions? Why should that bother me, why should I care? I wish I had these answers, but the long and short of it is that I do. I care a lot that people would think I would be out to harm anyone else especially someone I had such a love for. I cared immensely for J, I offered her a home for her and her son when she had no where to go, I offered to help her get back on her feet after she had some issues in the past and I will never regret anything I have ever done because the intentions were that to help others better their lives. I was blessed with the fact that I received a good education, a good job and a good support network. At the time we were together I had no issues paying for certain things or assisting as I knew once she got on her feet or got the ability to contribute she would. This is now a different case and I am facing a mortgage that I have to cover along with student loans and other various bills. She has chosen a new life and I shouldn't feel responsible for her. I have carried this insurance for two months to help her. I have encouraged her to get help and to try to better herself. I keep ending up in turmoil trying to heal and having a lot of the choices she's made prominent in my life, so I have tried to take a step back to which I have found out that others view me as a jerk. So here is my peace for myself, I provided her a loving home with utilities for two years, I have loved her and her son for two years and will still continue to love Cameron as if he were my own, I have carried her insurance for the last year and have provided assistance as needed along the way in terms of additional finances, love, support etc. I don't have the capacity to do that currently and will offer options for her to continue what she needs, but that being said her choices and her life no longer involve me, so I should not feel bad in not paying for them anymore. I wish her the best, I wish all of the greatest things in the world to come to Cameron and I hope that they both find all of the happiness in the world.
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