It's in the moments I despise when I realize that I am yours.
That I am your creation.
And I hate it

I have spent years trying to control them, trying to mask them and lately I've accepted that this isn't possible that I need to accept and manage them.
So why do I beat myself up when they occur?
Is it because I let someone make me so vulnerable that the rage comes out and that upsets me or is it that I see you in me that makes me the most upset?
I might be of your body but I will never be of your mind or your emotion; or rather lack thereof

I try to de-escalate, I try to detach, I try all of the coping mechanisms I've learned
But the triggers cause blackouts, periods of absolute anxiety and absolute rage
Even if the anger is justified, my reaction is not
And I'm not ok with that
So where does that leave me?
Pushing people away so they don't see the demon, so they can't get close enough to cause harm and witness this
So that they never have to see my reaction when a stranger that I don't even give a fuck about calls me a dyke
Logically I know how to handle it all, but in those moments, the control, the thought process and the reaction seem out of grasp.
I have gotten better in years in learning how to deal and how to manage
I don't pick fights, I stop fights, I stay out of trouble, I found faith in a higher power, I found faith in me
But my faith in myself isn't blind and isn't absolute, it is fleeting
To love is to have no judgement and I judge myself the hardest
But how does one separate wanting to be the best they can be without constantly evaluating who they are?

I never want to put my hands on anyone as you used to do to everyone in your life
Your wife
Your kids
Strangers
All because of your insecurities and your own internal struggle.
You might have made me, but you will never own me.  Not any part of you.
I will never be the same monster you are.